Updated: Feb 19
so, there's this girl... she's never realized how amazing and beautiful she is. that's just one of the things i find so endearing about her. she was also very hard on the outside... walls covered every square inch of her heart. she tries, never fully succeeding at tearing them down.
when the distance between us started, i felt like my heart was exiting my chest cavity in a pretty violent way. it was the weirdest feeling i've ever had. i never recognized how much she truly meant to me until it was over and she was completely gone from my life. i honestly didn't do ANYTHING to help the situation. i made it worse. i was hurt and my brain justified my behavior with a little chant... "retaliate, retaliate, retaliate...".
my heart, though... that was a completely different story.
every time i was in her presence, i felt like i was floating in space. everything was super peaceful and beautiful. no worries. no concept of time. never any anger. always just love and amazing, magical moments... just like floating around in space with ALL of the galaxies right there, within reach. i felt like i was cuddling all of the stars at once when i was with her.
this painting is my perception of being in the presence of someone so magical that my heart never stopped dancing and then experiencing the sudden loss of said person.
unfortunately, this whole situation brought me back to how it felt when my daddy committed suicide 7 years ago. it made me realize, AGAIN, that having the sun set another day without my last words to my people being, "i love you" is unacceptable. i decided i would love louder and be okay with that. i don't ever want to wonder if my people know i love them. that's stupid and dangerous; and this is the reason for at least one trumpet and one heart in my paintings.
moving on... that's when the lessons really started for me. and they were LOUD.
ugh. adulting is so complicated.
the interesting part of this whole thing is that she was the reason i decided to sling paint on the very first canvas over ten years ago. and here i am painting again, all these years later, inspired by her madness and inability to be vulnerable or truly happy. what's weird is that i noticed that about her before i noticed it about myself. so, when i noticed its existence in my own heart, i decided to change it. forcefully.
i can feel my heart kicking and screaming every time i force myself to be vulnerable with people. but, little by little, it gets easier and easier. it's a learning experience for them, too! i'm so grateful they've hung in there with me on this journey!!!